From Conflict to Connection: 5 Tips for Better Communication
It’s not surprising that most people do not like conflict. It brings up feelings of anger, fear or defensiveness. But conflict is not only a natural part of life, it can also be an effective tool to get your needs met and ultimately increase understanding of different perspectives. Being able to navigate conflict in a healthy way can improve your relationships and deepen connections.
As a therapist who works with couples and individuals with relationship issues, I know a lot about navigating conflict among couples, however the tips I’m outlining below can be used with anyone. Conflict may come up at work, with friends and family. Read more below for my most effective tips for healthy conflict resolution.
Here are my top 5 tips for managing conflict with confidence:
1. Prioritize Understanding
Conflict naturally brings up a lot of feelings for most people. You may experience feelings of fear, frustration or defensiveness. You may enter a conflict wanting to prove your point or explain yourself. And while that may be reasonable, it’s also extremely important for both parties to prioritize understanding what the other person is saying first, before jumping into problem solving, compromising or arguing back. In other words, listen to understand, not to reply. Miscommunication is not uncommon - and we can misunderstand what someone is saying, even if we know them really well. Active listening and prioritizing understanding will help you stay connected and empathetic - even in times of conflict.
Listening Activity
Practice active listening to deepen your understanding with another person. This could be a partner, family member or friend. One person will have the floor and speak for 1 - 2 minutes about something while the other one listens. Once time is up, the listener will summarize what the speaker said to make sure they are understanding the speaker correctly. Take turns being the speaker and the listener to see if you’re both able to really understand what the other person is saying.
2. Use Your Words Wisely
Once you’ve both committed to listening and understanding, it’s also important to use your words wisely in conflict. It may be difficult to stay calm during moments of conflict, but remaining “fair” will help de-escalate and keep the conversation focused on the core issue. Our words can pave the path towards understanding and problem-solving, or head down the dangerous road of defensiveness, criticism and contempt.
How to speak effectively in conflict:
Use I statements
Focus on connection and collaboration
State what you’re feeling and experiencing, instead of focusing on blaming the other person
State the facts without blame or judgment
Example: Conflict At Work
Let’s use an example of a conflict with a colleague at work. If I say:
“You never help with these tasks. I’m leading everything on this project and I feel like you just wait around for me to tell you what to do instead of taking initiative. If you don’t start pulling your weight, I’m going to let our manager know that you’re slacking. What were you doing this morning when I was leading the call? I always cover for you but I’m getting tired of it”
The person I’m speaking to is going to feel attacked, and likely respond with defensiveness rather than trying to understand what it is I’m actually feeling. Additionally, I’m focusing on what the other person is not doing, instead of focusing on my own experience, and what would help. The statement is also critical and uses words like “slacking” and is questioning the other person’s value. The person may respond with the reflex to defend themselves by listing the things that they are doing, instead of viewing this conflict as a call to action for more support and collaborative problem solving.
Using the communication tips from this article, an alternative statement would be:
“Hey, I know we’re both really busy, but I feel like I’ve been picking up more slack with this project lately and it’s weighing on me. I’m feeling overwhelmed which is making it harder for me to appreciate the work you do, because I feel like I’m doing so much. I was feeling so stressed all morning about this call. It would really help me a lot if you could take more initiative with managing these tasks, or we can sit down together and strategize a way for both of us to feel like this work is divided evenly, and we both feel supported.”
This statement:
Focused on my experience
Let the other person know I’m overwhelmed and stressed because of the workload
Focused on collaborating and problem solving
Focuses on a call to action (take more initiative)
Provides an opportunity for the other person to share their perspective and feel supported too, which shows an openness to compromising
3. Take Accountability
For many, accepting that you have messed up or hurt somebody can bring up feelings of shame, embarrassment or self-criticism. It’s important to be aware of what feelings may be coming up during a conflict as sometimes in order to avoid those feelings, people become defensive or unwilling to admit when they’ve made a mistake. This only causes more isolation in the long run as being unwilling to take accountability can make the other person feel invalidated. Although it doesn’t feel good to admit that you’ve done something “wrong”, being able to own up to a mistake is a sign of flexibility, openness and emotional maturity.
There will be times where you mess up. That’s just a fact. We all have and we all will again. It is a part of the human experience and our mistakes can also be our greatest lessons that help us grow.
So, how does one exactly take accountability?
Name when you’ve messed up - be willing to admit that you made a mistake
Be open to hearing feedback - It may be difficult to hear that your mistake hurt someone or caused a consequence. But remember that you are not on trial. Your job is not to defend yourself, but to be open to hearing and understanding the other person, and to learn from the experience.
Apologize if you have done harm
Process the experience and reflect on ways to do things differently next time - share what emotions came up for you in addressing the mistake, and if it’s helpful and appropriate, discuss what you could have done differently in order to avoid the same error in the future.
4. Know When to Take a Break
When emotions take over, conflict can quickly escalate and become unproductive. Emotions during conflict are natural and normal, however once you’ve entered a state of “flooding” meaning you are overwhelmed with emotion, feeling panicked or out of breath, or feeling so upset that it is no longer easy to think or speak or logically. If you or your partner have reached a state of flooding, it is no longer productive to continue arguing and the focus should shift to getting out of that flooded state using self-soothing techniques. This can be a short break (20 - 30 minutes) or it can look like putting a “pin” in the discussion, with the understanding that you will return to the conflict shortly. Taking a break to self-soothe is not the same as avoidance or stonewalling, as it is a communicated effort from both parties to take a step back, relax and then return to the issue at hand.
Tips to self-soothe:
Take deep breaths
Meditate
Go for a short walk
Take sips of water
Watch something funny
Get a hug from someone you care about, or snuggle with a pet or cozy blanket
Once you’re feeling like you’re back in a regulated state of mind, return to the conflict.
5. Seek Extra Support
Conflict is tough for most people and can bring up discomfort, avoidance and anger. So if you’re feeling you need more support on navigating conflict effectively, know that you are not alone! Psychotherapy can be extremely helpful as a personalized and structured way to help you grow and increase your healthy conflict resolution skills. Both couples and individual therapy can be beneficial for people who struggle with conflict. Support for conflict in individual sessions includes skill-building and role-playing anxiety inducing conflict scenarios.
If you’re looking for a therapist to help you with navigating conflict with confidence, learn more about working with me here.
Interested in hiring me for a workshop about conflict? Fill out my contact form and I will be in touch!